New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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