I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
