i permit you to call me
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
