i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize