do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
