I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
