I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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