Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
