so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
