I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
