I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
