I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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