I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
