My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
