We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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