3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
