Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
