We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
