just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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