my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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