found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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