when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
