wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
