Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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