I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
