I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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