Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
