Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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