Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
