I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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