i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
