she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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