Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
