How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
