If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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