she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
