If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
