is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
