What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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