oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
