I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
