i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
