I threw up into my coffee this morning.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
