I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
