Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
