Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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