i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
