First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
