Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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