8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
