Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
