I got chris browned last night
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
