Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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