Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
