Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
