this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
