i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
